Hall of Beige – Lionel Richie

You can say a lot of things about Lionel Richie. Yes his 80’s jheri curl afro-shag hybrid was a questionable look. His daughter and her reality TV success helped lay the foundation for the rise of President Trump. You can even be like “why the long face, Lionel?” and everyone would know what you’re talking about. All of that said, this man is easily one of the best singer/songwriters of all-time. Lionel Richie my friend, you are the sun. You are the rain.

See how hard it was for me to smoothly incorporate that song into this entry? Lionel made a living making metaphors fit into love songs, and then singing the absolute Hell out of them. He was so good at what he did, he was able to stalk a blind woman for almost minutes straight. Instead of calling the police, she made a Bizarro World bust of Lionel and presented it to him. No, there was not a restraining order on the other side. Apparently IT WAS YOU that she was looking for, Mr. Richie.

I posted the video above, just in case you’ve never seen the cheesy 80’s greatness of “Hello” and that last paragraph flew over your head. P.S., that bust was terrible, but a blind woman created it so I’ll cut her some slack.

 

Lionel Richie, welcome to the Hall of Beige. I am about to party All Night Long in your honor, sir.

Hall of Beige – Angela Davis

Angela Davis is the newest inductee to the Hall of Beige. An activist, scholar and author, Ms. Davis has gone from being called a “terrorist” by a since-disgraced President, to becoming a driving force in social change. She has inspired countless others, and more than held her own whenever challenged by the powers that be.

That and her 70’s afro is unmatched. Whenever someone wants to point to an example of an amazing ‘fro, they usually say “Angela Davis.” I just gave Colin Kaepernick props on his fro the other week, but Angela Davis is the one who passed him the torch. That torch was a pick with a Black fist on the end of it, but it still counts.

Angela Davis, thank you for your unending work to battle the prison industrial complex(a term in which you coined), as well as for fighting against injustice anywhere that you see it. Welcome to the Hall of Beige!

Hall of Beige – Barack Obama

Barry, we miss you.

I waited until President’s Day to induct Barack Obama into the Hall of Beige. I know that the moment I share this on social media, the Brown Skinned Contingent is going to take issue with me claiming Obama on Team Light Skinned. He’s beige. Let us have this one. You guys still have Michael Jordan, LeBron James and Jesus. You’re still winning.

All jokes aside, this whole series was made to poke fun at colorism and the silly things people say and do because of the lingering effects of Colonialism’s divide and conquer tactics. Yes readers, I’m funny and woke. I’m saying all of this to say that these jokes are all in good fun and hopefully will fuel some interesting conversations.

Y’all still can’t have Obama though. He’s beige. deal with it.

Obama withstood all kinds of slings and arrows during his time in office. Donald Trump(who shall hereby be referred to as President Bitch Ass Nigga, as I refuse to recognize that B.A.N.), has been on the job ONE MONTH, and managed to make enemies of the entire press corps and the intelligence community. At this rate, he’s got less than two years before he gets removed from office in disgrace, or his orange head explodes from the pressures of the job.

Obama handled the multiple instances of disrespect from his colleagues, cable news pundits and random idiots with smartphones with superhuman levels of grace and civility. This is exactly why I cannot wait for his memoir to get released. I hope that he spills all of the Congressional tea. I want Mitch McConnell to get an entire chapter dedicated to him titled “First of all, this is why you’se a turkey-neck having ass bitch.” I know Barack Obama has too much class for that, but a man can dream.

Also, shout out to Michelle Obama. Barack married as well as one could possibly marry, because she’s awesome on so many levels. I want to personally thank both of them for setting such an amazing example for young kids. They are proof positive that if you are smart enough and make the right choices in life, anything is possible. In an era of 24-hours cable “news” and VH-1 reality TV, this type of positive image of Black Excellence is especially needed and greatly appreciated.

Barack Obama, welcome to the Hall of Beige. The country misses you, man. I wish we could bring you back on a month-to-month basis until America gets it’s shit together. It appears that historians already agree with me on this. Enjoy your time away from the global spotlight. You have earned a break, good sir.

 

Hall of Beige – Sinbad

When one mentions the name Sinbad, people don’t think about that Sinbad the Sailor fellow. People think of comedy legend Sinbad. Walter Oakes from A Different World Sinbad. Tall, hilarious, and 90’s fashion victim Sinbad. Clean comedy that’s not corny(although some of it is dated as we’re far removed from the early 90’s) Sinbad. THAT GUY.

I want to write a ton of stuff about Sinbad, but it’s better if you just do yourself a favor and check out some of his stand-up videos. He’s still hitting the stage to this very day, so check him out when he’s in your town. Even the internet could not kill him!

Side note, anyone who would make up a rumor killing off Sinbad is a black-hearted, soulless, evil piece of dung beetle shit. Not even the shit that the dung beetle burrows in, but the dung beetle’s shit itself. The piece of shit that was spawned from a piece of shit. Yeah buddy. That’s you. Don’t mess with Sinbad ever again. I’ll dick-slap you to death, then call the paramedics to revive you with the paddles so you live with that shame for the rest of your days. I might even upload it to World Star.

Sinbad, welcome to the Hall of Beige. You made clean comedy an art form, my tall friend. I tried to keep this entry clean in honor of you, but I got emotional when I thought about the death hoax from back in the day. My bad.

Hall of Beige – Harry Belafonte

As a very active participant in the Civil Rights Movement, Harry Belafonte is one of the official grandfathers of “Woke.” He marched with Dr. King. He made entertaining music. He starred in movies. He even aged well while beige, which is sometimes hard to do.

Every time I hear this song, I think two things:

1.) It’s impossible to not smile when this comes on.

2.) I want to watch “BeetleJuice” again.

Harry Belafonte, welcome to the Hall of Beige. It’s a wonderful Day-O, my friend.

Yes, I know that was a terrible pun.

Hall of Beige – Julian Bond

Today’s Hall of Beige inductee is a serious one, as we lost a legend last year in Julian Bond. This man dedicated a lifetime to helping others in the struggle for freedom, equality and human dignity. Bond wasn’t martyred for the cause like Martin Luther King Jr and Malcolm X, but he went from a student on the front lines of the civil rights movement to become an educator, elected official and influential leader in the  human rights arena. Many would be content to rest on these kinds of laurels, but Bond worked tirelessly until he died in service to others. If you are unfamiliar with his story, definitely take some time to learn more about him.

I guess the only funny thing that I can add is that I first learned about Julian Bond because both my mother and sister had crushes on him. He was their #CivilRightsBae. I had to look up who he was upon hearing them compliment him, as I was unsure if I felt more awkward about overhearing them swoon, or for not knowing whom they were swooning over. Once I learned his story, it was definitely the latter. Welcome to the Hall of Beige Julian Bond and thanks for all you did to make the world a better place.