Billy Dee Williams Facts

Chuck Norris may be the baddest of all badasses to walk the face of the Earth, but Billy Dee Williams is far and away the smoothest brother of all time. Even slightly greater than yours truly. If your woman was the recipient of this look right here:

…then Billy Dee Williams was most likely the recipient of her panties later that night. Don’t believe me? Take a look at the facts:

  • Billy Dee Williams does not use any hair care products. He sweet-talks his hair, and it lays on it’s back without hesitation.
  • Billy Dee Williams once impregnated a can of Colt 45…with a mere gaze!
  • When consumed in the presence of Billy Dee Williams, Colt 45 no longer tastes like shitty corner store malt liquor. It takes on the flavor of expensive champagne.
  • The Virgin Mary was allegedly saving herself for an evening with Billy Dee Williams, but God had other plans.
  • Billy Dee Williams was born with a condom on.
  • Billy Dee Williams discovered Sasquatch during a hunting trip, convinced him to shave, then enrolled him in acting classes. He is now known to the world as Brad Garrett.
  • Billy Dee Williams is like a sexual Santa Claus: He sees you when you’re skeeting. He knows if you’re a skank. He knows if your stuff’s bad or good, so be good for Billy Dee’s sake…
  • Billy Dee Williams sold his soul to Satan, but Satan gave it back, fearing Billy Dee would come to Hell and steal all of his hoes from him.
  • 19,998 of the 20,000 women that Wilt Chamberlain allegedly slept with were Billy Dee’s sloppy-seconds.
  • God originally issued 11 Commandments, the last being “Thou shalt aspire to be like Billy Dee Williams someday”, but Moses was a hater and conveniently left that one out.
  • Billy Dee Williams’ sweat is glow-in-the-dark…but he’s too cool to sweat. You’ll just have to take my word on this one.
  • Billy Dee Williams once turned water into Colt 45 at a friend’s wedding.
  • Billy Dee Williams is so cool, his entrance into any room on Earth is preceded by a slight breeze.
  • Billy Dee Williams rewrote the Kama Sutra in order to help couples around the world make love “The Billy Dee Way.”
  • Billy Dee Williams’ voice is so smooth, he recorded a multi-platinum selling album that consisted of him reading the “B” section of the phone book with smooth jazz playing in the background.
  • Billy Dee Williams is too suave for the internet. It only slows him down. His machismo travels at the speed of light.
  • If your mother is at least 18 years old, there is an 92.7% chance that she’s had sex with Billy Dee Williams, or at least entertained the thought at some point in her life.
  • Billy Dee Williams speaks fluent “Tang.”
  • “The Mack” was originally intended to be a biopic about Billy Dee Williams, but the director insisted that Billy Dee’s life is just a little too amazing for any one film to truly do it justice.
  • Billy Dee Williams considered constructing his own version of the Playboy Mansion, but he ultimately decided that it would cramp his style.
  • Billy Dee Williams likes hanging out with Chuck Norris. That way, should he decide to seduce a man’s wife, Chuck can deliver a thunderous roundhouse kick to the guy, thus making her a widow. Then Billy Dee may proceed to comfort her with some sweet, sweet lovemaking in her time of need.
  • Billy Dee Williams is so cool, he could tell people to start calling him William Dee Williams and the world would respect his wishes, no questions asked.
  • Although Billy Dee Williams and Chuck Norris enjoy each others company, Williams’ mustache and Norris’ beard once battled to a hard-fought stalemate for three days straight.
  • Billy Dee Williams’ has a bionic pimp hand, just like Luke Skywalker.
  • Billy Dee Williams first words were “Colt 45. It works every time.”
  • During the 1970′s, Billy Dee Williams only wore suits hand sewn by virgins, held together by gold thread.
  • The phrase “Ass, gas or grass; No one rides for free” was allegedly coined on Billy Dee’s private jet.
  • In Latin, the name Billy Dee Williams translates to “Don’t leave your girl ’round me.”
  • Your new girlfriend is old news to Billy Dee Williams.

See what I’m saying? This dude deserves his own holiday. I don’t have that type of power, so an article will have to suffice. All hail my role model in vintage suave, Billy Dee Williams! Besides, we all need something to believe in.

The Spoon Heard ‘Round The World

I recently caught up to my friend Jimmy, whom I hadn’t seen since we were both in college. Jimmy and I have known each other since we were about 6 or 7 years old. He grew up on the same block as I did, so it was pretty much like seeing family. We laughed and talked for hours about a wide variety of topics. During the course of the conversation, Jimmy reminded me of one of the single funniest stories of my childhood. So funny, that I cannot believe it took seeing him years later to jog my memory. Then I thought about it: My memory is probably screwed up as a result of this story. Let me explain.

Back when Jimmy and I were about 8 years old, we would hang out with all the other kids that lived on our block. The wild thing about it was that every few days or so folks would fight with each other, then a few days later end up being friends again. It never failed. Our friendship was like The Little Rascals, only way more violent. The crew comprised of Jimmy, Pay-Pay, Rodney, Big Carlos and myself.

One day, Jimmy and I had problems and got into a fight. On his side, he had Big Carlos and some other kid whom I don’t remember. It was probably Superchicken who lived up the street(real name: Chris). Pay-Pay and Rodney had my back that particular day. Jimmy and crew ended up going back to his house and hanging out on the back deck, which was raised above ground. Pay-Pay, Rodney and I approached the area and started yelling all kinds of ridiculous insults that were clever only to eight year olds.

Things got ugly, quickly. Rodney called Jimmy an African Booty Scratcher. Jimmy called Pay-Pay George Jefferson-head since he actually had a receding hairline at age eight. Pay-Pay made fun of Superchicken’s knub where an index finger used to be. I called Jimmy something to the effect of a “Peanut-Butter Motherfucker.” In my young mind, a curse word that rhymed was the worst thing I could think of.

Things escalated, and my fellow ground soldiers and I began throwing rocks and dirt bombs(clusters of dirt from the ground that burst apart upon impact) at Jimmy and crew.

Everyone up on the deck ducked for cover and looked for things to throw back. Of all objects, Big Carlos found a steel tablespoon. He then lobbed that tablespoon with every ounce of strength in his oversized nine year old body. It was the act of a desperate man. It was a gamble that paid off.

Everybody else on the ground saw him chuck this spoon in our direction. Everyone except me, that is. I was getting ready to throw what I thought to be the perfect dirt bomb…then KLANG!!!!

Direct hit to the top of my forehead. That shit HURT! Carlos fucked me up with that spoon. Pay-Pay and Rodney ran away as soon as they saw it connect with my skull. I started crying like a bitch the moment I saw that my head was bleeding. I heard Jimmy and his crew celebrating on the deck, so I ran home out of sheer embarrassment. I mean, who gets their ass whipped with a spoon? Better still, how does one spoon defeat three people? There is no recovery from something like that. I think that’s why I repressed the memory for so long.

It was definitely the most spectacular defeat of my light skinned life. It was worse than Napoleon at Waterloo. It was worse than Custer at Little Big Horn. At least their defeats were due to being outnumbered or tactical errors. Mine came at the hands of a dinner utensil. Not just any dinner utensil, but the one with no sharp edges. I was brought to tears by the safest utensil in the entire kitchen! Someone named Superchicken was standing up on a deck laughing at ME! How much worse could it have been?